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Published on Tuesday, March 8, 2005 by the Miami Herald
by Molly Ivins
I'm sorry, but every now and again a girl just finds it necessary to lay her head down on the table and howl with laughter. I wrote a column warning that USA Next, a Republican melancholic AstroTurf (meaning ''fake grass-roots'') group was going to attack the AARP. The senior citizens' lobby does not support the privatization of Social Security and so clearly incurs the wrath of all God-fearing, true-believing, highly paid Republican public-relations firms. But I have to confess, even I did not see this one coming.
You may not believe it, but it is true: USA Next's first salvo was to accuse the geezer lobby of being against our troops in Iraq and in favor of homosexual marriage.
No joke, what journalist-blogger Josh Marshall calls ''the fogey-bund'' stands accused of being anti-soldier and pro-gay-knot-tying.
A charming Internet ad shows a muscular hero of the desert in combat fatigues with a big X across his picture, and on the other side are two guys in tuxedos getting hitched with a big check across their picture. Under these two pictures, it says, ``The REAL AARP Agenda.''
I haven't laughed so hard since President Bush informed us that we have had a close and enduring friendship with Japan for the past 150 years.
Being old enough myself to join the AARP -- not a member, but well into Wrinkly City -- I find this the most deliciously zany, mortifyingly awful moment since the time a speaker of the Texas House called on a bunch of people in wheelchairs to stand and be recognized.
I'm really curious as to how far this ''anti-military, pro-gay'' attack stuff can be extended. Take the pope, for example. He differs from the president on the matter of capital punishment. In fact, I can remember at least two occasions when the pope wrote then-Gov. George Bush agonized pleas on behalf of some of our more spectacularly pardonable prisoners. Does this mean that the pope is anti-military and pro-gay?
Yes, our old friends from the Swift Boat Veterans for ''Truth'' are back again.
The very people who told you that John Kerry was anti-military and pro-gay -- the people who told you that he didn't deserve his medals from Vietnam, who said that he testified before Congress that American soldiers were all war criminals -- these same friendly folk are back again, attacking the AARP, a group largely known for advocating afternoon naps for the elderly. (Disclosure: I once wrote an article for the AARP magazine Modern Maturity, and not only did they pay well, but they got the jokes, too.)
Healing laughter
Despite this happy experience, I am not an AARP fan. I consider its support of the abomination that is the Medicare prescription-drug coverage bill the most ill-advised sellout since the memorably awful 1996 telecommunications deregulation bill. (Enjoying that one, everyone? Your bills gone down lately?)
Speaking of healing laughter, the president provided all Europe with chuckles. After he denounced the idea that the United States is getting ready to attack Iran as ''ridiculous,'' he then promptly added, ''All options are on the table.'' So they laughed, apparently on the polite assumption that the man must be joking.
Meanwhile, another unsatisfactory ally, Canada, has had the nerve (!) to announce it does not want to be under our nuclear shield, if we ever get it built. Gee, how could it not want to buy into (and help pay for) our Star Wars defense system? Just because it doesn't work and costs the Earth? Well, they're partly French, you know.
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