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"According to the Wall Street Journal, Phillip Morris is close to signing a deal to make Marlboros in China. Well, that should solve China's overpopulation problem." -- Jay Leno
"When the Secret Service told President Bush there might be an incoming plane, out of force of habit he got out a copy of 'My Pet Goat' and started reading it." --Jay Leno
"Bush held a prime time televised news conference. Bush discussed his plans for Social Security, the insurgency in Iraq and why holding hands with another man doesn't mean you're gay." --Conan O'Brien
"Did you know today was take your daughter to work day? Tom DeLay celebrated by taking his daughter to work. He also took his wife, two cousins, and a couple lobbyists" --Jay Leno
"Did you hear about this a big scare down in Washington D.C. yesterday? Something weird shows up on the radar so the Secret Service guys grab President Bush and they go way down in a bunker. And nobody ever knew about it before. It's a hidden bunker. It's the same place where Tom DeLay picks up his cash payments." --David Letterman
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