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So Democrats don't have any fresh ideas for fighting the terrorists, huh? I beg to differ. This is my plan. It will work:
It involves creating a new wing of the military called Stem Cell Recruits for Operational, Tactical and Unilateral Maneuvers (SCROTUM). A massive army of billions of specially-trained commando blastocysts.
Don't laugh. The President of the United States considers them true-blue American folks under the protection of the U.S. Constitution. They're just as committed as anyone to fighting terrorists over there so we won't have to fight them over here. And, unlike all the cowardly Republican bloggers of recruiting age (currently 10 to 61) who couldn't be bothered to stand up and fight for freedom, stem cells are rough, tough and willing to leave the comfort of their petri dishes to answer the call.
I don't want to give away too much, but the plan involves B-52s dropping approximately 500 billion specially-trained SCROTUM paratroopers over the Afghanistan/Pakistan border. Their microscopic size means they can infiltrate any cave or village undetected. Once inside the perimeter, they'll unleash a torrent of percussion grenades that will stun, but not kill, the terrorists. They will then use their special SCROTUM radios to contact coalition HQ in Kabul, which will dispatch choppers to haul both the SCROTUMs and the terrorists back to base. The stem cells get a medal; the terrorists just get a cell.
This is not experimental---I have personally trained a platoon of SCROTUMs. Last Saturday night they were unleashed on the noisy college kids partying across the street. The neighborhood has been quiet as a church ever since. (My condolences to the families of the stem cells that I inadvertently backed over with my Honda Civic during the pullout.)
Mr. President, Mr. Vice President, Secretary Rumsfeld: I turn ownership of this plan over to you, free of charge, in the spirit of bipartisanship. Now is the time to grab your SCROTUM with both hands and turn another corner! I'll stop by around noon to pick up my medal.
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