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Number six, Always second guess everyone! The mangers the coaches the players the umpires even the fans. The story must not be allowed to be about a baseball game! The story is about controversy and error and failings and finding fault the smaller the better! Interrupt the dignity of the game by asking the managers questions while their trying to do their job between innings, you wouldn't mind the IRS doing a tax audit on you while you did play by play would you?
Number seven, Maximize instant replay, and show every play four or five times ten times on a home run or an error. When the instant replays bleeds over into live action you've got it right! If a player hits a home run at any time during the series it must be shown at every at bat there after. Use product placement advertisements widely, Hey they're baseball fans they're stupid right? How about a free taco if somebody hit's a home run? Can you imagine game 6 of the 1975 World Series Carlton Fisk encouraging the ball to stay fair because there's a bunch of tacos riding on it!!
Number eight, Use lots of flashing lights and sound effects to highlight meaningless statistics dropped in to the game Joe shmoe only hit 229 against left handed pitchers with red hair over 6'3. Bill Smith has an ERA over 4 in months when the stock market was down. But never never never use anything meaningful information! Like Mike Cuellar the Baltimore pitching ace saying he couldn't pitch if it was less than 70 degrees because his curve ball wouldn't break and his fastball didn't move. You wouldn't want the fans to find those types of things out.
Number nine, Never shut up, announcers should speak continuously through out the entire game trading off only to breath and to let someone else speak. Because the fans don't really want to watch the game they really tuned in just want to hear us talk. After all who among us doesn't enjoy being trapped on a plane or a train with someone who won't shut the hell up! In one eighteen minute inning the announcers failed to speak for TWO minutes. For two entire minutes the fans were forced to watch the baseball game. For two minutes they weren't distracted or amused or entertained they were left with nothing to do but watch the World Series
Number ten, Hire Tim McCarver to do the color on the game! The man is a human wrecking ball he could read a porn novel to a room full of teenage boys and put them to sleep. Timothy Inane McCarver famous for such useful facts as "he leads the league in double plays with less than two outs" How many did he hit into with two outs you might ask? "He wants to try and bunt the ball were the fielders can't make the play" Now that's color! After all whites a color isn't it? Why Tim is a paragon of baseball knowledge and his intelligence in sharing it with us rivals his lifetime .200 batting average. In the words of Hall of Fame great Bob Gibson "the only thing you know about good pitching Timmy is you can't hit it" But I guess they didn't hire Tim for what he knows but for what he thinks he knows.
I won't watch the series at all this year; I'll check the headlines in the morning. My heart goes out to both Saint Louis and Detroit fans for you are forced and compelled to watch
What was once fun and should be fun is now an ordeal, no more Kurt Gowdy and Pee wee Reese or even Vin Scully, Red Barber or god bless him Harry Carey or even Dizzy Dean their talent was making you think they were just your pal watching the game with you instead of your instructor or trained monkey to entertain you
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